Possiable Endometriosis

I am tired of pain.

everything works out for the best...

unless you are me. I am convinced I am supposed to learn this lesson in this lifetime where when it really counts I stand up for myself, but to this day it's a crap shoot. And I am always left hanging... just expecting people to do the right things and keep everyones best interests in mind. And not forget things.

I (still) hate thanksgiving...

food!
I think turkey is best served as processed as possible, on a sour dough roll... with lots of avocado! Mashed potatoes are ok as long as they are done right; when they are lumpy it's just gross. Or even better GARLIC MASHED POTATOES... ummm but everything is better with garlic. And stuffing... what the hell is that??? Someone took some stale bread and shoved it up a bird’s ass. WHO THOUGHT OF THAT... REALLY could I please have some squishy bird ass bread? Cranberries and I are cool. Not sure really why... they are really not that great. If I am lucky, there will be salad... green salad... not that fruit, marshmallow mayo crap. And the green bean casserole thing with the onion crap... why would you do that to green beans?
So happy holidays kids... enjoy your Thanxgvn feast to xmas music... cause its everywhere now... what the hell.
Sorry, I am done.
(gravy is gross too)
(and football is boring)
(and who really watches the parade)
(I mean really, we are celebrating the slaughter of native Americans...)

Not Hot

I am not hot anymore! I used to be. Even with "a little more to love" I could be a cutie. I am not anymore. I am a mom, with a big Post baby Gut. It's a Gut. I used to have a tummy, a stomach, a waist, a middle... now I have a fuckin gut! And Don't Tell Me "now you have a girl." I know, she is the best thing ever! That does not change the 20 lbs IN MY GUT.
Buying clothes is depressing. Nothing Fits Right. I do baby boot camp! Nothing changes. I breastfeed, no pounds melt away. I have 200 lbs since she was born and I am SICK AND TIRED OF IT. I wasn't a skinny minnie... and I didn't want to be.

Sorry. Don't read this post. It's self indulgent bull.

I don't know what I am going to do

Ms. Diva still wont take a bottle. My work did not approve my second scheduling request
and then suggested I go on Family Medical Leave. Which does not pay, but saves my job. So I get the hint... and I am not sure I even want to go back when this is all over. This is very rough, Captain and I can't survive on just what he makes. I am trying to get back on disability, but we don't know how that will turn out... and we only get one more check of paid family leave.
In other words... shit shit shit...

It's very thin ice... and I barely know how to skate...

And I think to myself... "self remember when your problems were stupid?"
"well that's unfair, don't you think?"

So wish me luck...

we have an appt. to battle it out with the doc on monday... and i have a pumpkin to carve...

and a daughter to put into her "da cheat" costume...

Sick

ms. diva (my 10 week old) has a tiny cough today, in fact, everything seems tiny about her today... My husband Captain Jack is sick too, and some how I am fine so far. I called the advice nurse to make sure everything is on the up and up, and it is now, but county is so carefull, especially with new babies.

I'm going to see the dr. myself tomorrow, to see if I have PPD. It was so scary to type that sentence... I think an alarm in camp Cruse just went off, and scientologists will soon be deployed to my house to talk about the benefits of aliens and vitamins. But anyway...
I haven't been myself, i've been tired, anxious, not sleeping... but because i feel totaly connected to my little girl, I kept telling myself I was fine... so i have been really good at taking care of her, and that's about it...

Clothing flip

Seeing that my 2 month old, that from now on I will call Diva (not because she is one, but for a position she sleeps in) had out grown an outfit, I found it was time to get rid of some things. It's crazy to me because she is only 2 moths old... but she is really tall for her age, 23 inches to be exact, and 11 and 1/2 lbs. It was a bittersweet moment...
Then I watched nanny 911... now I am terrified. I've never seen the show before, but the simple gist is bad American parents get schooled by good English nannies. The kids were bad, they bit, hit and spit on their mother and there was 4 of them. Turns out dad has anger issues, screams at mom, and uses a belt. Kids are so frustrated; they take it out on mom twice as hard.
I was in the DMV with D the other day... and a mom sat down next to me with 2 kids, one in a stroller and one in about 6 or 7. Within 60 seconds of her sitting down she down she screamed "Sit down, sit down now, sit down now or I will smack you." They had a 30 sec stare down, and then the kid sat.
How does that happen? Do parents go from doting every second, loving every moment... to screaming and hitting ... or are they always like that from day one. I fear that one day everything snaps, and parents start bad behavior that feels near impossible to change... and it just snowballs...